on sharing

somebody told me today "don't be afraid to share your ideas more, sometimes it seems like you have something important to share."

that sentence really made me feel something and it's probably among the nicest things somebody has ever said to me, but at the time i couldn't quite understand why i was feeling this way.

i think i've figured it out to a certain extent.

i've always struggled with speaking to other people. this is especially true in a group environment, which is the circumstance whenever i am interacting with this person. and yeah, that means that a lot of the time i stay quiet because i think people won't want to hear what i say.

and with this person it is even more so because i am working with them and i am always afraid that they'll think less of me if i say something stupid. i'm trying so hard to prove myself every time i am around this particular group of people and it scares me to think that they might see me as a fraud. sometimes it's better to not say anything rather than risk saying the wrong thing. and that's still true, but i have to work on being more confident in myself.

i don't know. i guess that, in general, i just don't feel like i have anything meaningful to contribute to the world. and maybe as an extension of that, it kind of makes me feel like a lot of the time i am not something meaningful or of value or useful.

and i really didn't think that anybody noticed me doing that. i didn't know that anybody looked at me for long enough to pick up anything like that.

i'm always still surprised when certain people know my name, even though i shouldn't be.

i've been in a bad place recently and this was just a really nice surprise. i've been trying to push myself to open up to other people but it's hard and scary.

so thank you to that person.

it meant a lot to me.