shoveling snow | on recovery

so it has been snowing out and as a result, i've been shoveling a lot of snow. it takes quite a while, so i have a lot of time to think. i realized that, in a way, shoveling snow is a lot like recovery. at least in my experience.

you don't really want to do it at first, but you know you should. you know that the longer you wait, the more the snow is going to build up and it's just going to be even harder to shovel.

so you go out. it's hard and it's cold and your arms start to ache and you get tired and your fingers freeze. but you keep going. maybe you have to take breaks. maybe you have to rethink your shoveling strategy. (and yes, you have a shoveling strategy because you want to get through this as fast as you can.) and maybe you get discouraged. everyone shovels at different speeds. everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses. some people are just really really good at shoveling. some people have a lot of experience and know what to do. some people like to say really really loudly how good they are at shoveling and sometime's that's really hard to hear.

so be it. you continue to shovel.

there are different types of snow. some days it's a lot faster to shovel because the flakes are ligth and fluffy and it hasn't been that long since you shoveled last. some days the snow is wet and dense and even though it's a thin layer, it's so heavy and you get tired so quickly. there are days when areas you neglected previously turn into a layer of ice and you have to work so hard to clear away so little. be patient. maybe you just have to wait until the air warms a little.

and just when you think you're done, just when you've finally made it back to where you started, you turn back and look at all the progress you made. and. and you can only see white. it continued to snow as you shoveled and now there's nothing to show for all your hard work.

and you don't want to keep shoveling. somewhere in you, you know that this snow and this whole season will not last forever, but in this moment? when you're surrounded by white and the world seems cold and untouchable and so far away? in this moment you feel like you'll never be finished shoveling. you will never finish. you will never get better. you will never be better. and you're right, in a way. the snow will return. there will be more work to do. but you are also wrong. you will get stronger. you will learn what the easiest way for you to shovel is. when the right time to rest is.

and maybe you'll turn for help. you'll say "hey this shoveling is really tiring and  hard and i don't want to do this anymore and it just seems like there's so much snow. i'm always so cold and i wish it wasn't like this, you know?"

there will be people who hear you and say "well i don't really know. i've lived in this warm place all my life and it's not as great as you think it is. there are bad things that happen to me too, so you're not allowed to tell me how terrible shoveling is. yes, i don't have to shovel and i have never had to shovel and i never will have to shovel. but i don't think it's as bad as you're making it out to be. there have been days when it has been cold but i don't complain about that. you are weak." and you will have to ignore them. it will hurt. to hear them say that. but they are wrong.

there will also be people who say "wow that sucks. i've never experienced winter like you have and i've never had to shovel so i don't know what i can do to help, but i'm here for you. and if you want to talk i'll listen and try to help even if i'm not able to fully understand what you're going through." they might not be able to physically help you shovel, that's something you have to do on your own, but they are there to support you. keep them close.

there are even people who will say "hey. i've had to shovel a lot of snow before too. i know how tired you are. i am too. i know how to get through this season. i have done it before. i promise that it will end. it will be hard. but it will end. here are things that have helped me. they may not help you, but they are there." let them help you.

and so you shovel. for whatever reason. maybe one day you will turn around and see a clear path.

on sharing

somebody told me today "don't be afraid to share your ideas more, sometimes it seems like you have something important to share."

that sentence really made me feel something and it's probably among the nicest things somebody has ever said to me, but at the time i couldn't quite understand why i was feeling this way.

i think i've figured it out to a certain extent.

i've always struggled with speaking to other people. this is especially true in a group environment, which is the circumstance whenever i am interacting with this person. and yeah, that means that a lot of the time i stay quiet because i think people won't want to hear what i say.

and with this person it is even more so because i am working with them and i am always afraid that they'll think less of me if i say something stupid. i'm trying so hard to prove myself every time i am around this particular group of people and it scares me to think that they might see me as a fraud. sometimes it's better to not say anything rather than risk saying the wrong thing. and that's still true, but i have to work on being more confident in myself.

i don't know. i guess that, in general, i just don't feel like i have anything meaningful to contribute to the world. and maybe as an extension of that, it kind of makes me feel like a lot of the time i am not something meaningful or of value or useful.

and i really didn't think that anybody noticed me doing that. i didn't know that anybody looked at me for long enough to pick up anything like that.

i'm always still surprised when certain people know my name, even though i shouldn't be.

i've been in a bad place recently and this was just a really nice surprise. i've been trying to push myself to open up to other people but it's hard and scary.

so thank you to that person.

it meant a lot to me.

the fall

she wanted to seek help but didn't know who to ask or how to ask them.  she turned to someone an ocean away in hopes that then her troubles would be far from her heart.

instead she ached for the piece of her that she had broken off and given away.

she tried not to think of the words she had sent but instead they plagued every waking moment.  but then they were so kind to her.  they were so so kind to her and she wondered how she could accept so much when she was so little.

and then they left.

she was stupid to think that they would stay forever.  she knew better now.  it wouldn't happen next time.

and she loved them still.  a part of her would always love them.

she just hated that she had given away so much of herself.  hated that she had been so foolish to believe that she could finally have a safe place.  a safe person.  hated herself for falling in so deep.

on beauty

I've been having a lot of thoughts on this.  These days society has moved toward telling everyone 'you're beautiful! everything about you is beautiful so just love yourself! you don't actually have flaws!' and it's not that that's a bad thing, I think that it's a step in the right direction.  But I know that it has made it hard for me in some ways.  I know that there are parts of me that aren't nice to look at or beautiful or pretty.  But everyone is stuck insisting that these are beautiful.

I'm being vulnerable, opening myself up and sharing that there are things I don't like about myself, and someone is just shouting over me, saying 'you're wrong!  Your feelings are invalid because I see things differently and you should feel the same way as I should even though we are strange and complex and we can't choose how we feel!'  And yeah, that kind of hurts.  If I could easily change the way I saw myself, wouldn't I?  But not only does it make me feel like I should pretend these things don't exist, it also means that I am ill-equipped to work through these problems I'm having.  I don't know how to deal with the fact that I don't like parts about myself because everyone is saying there are no parts to change. And if I can't focus my dislike on any particular part, sometimes it just becomes all-encompassing and I just hate hate hate myself.  I hate my appearance.  I hate my personality.  I hate that I can't change this.  Everything about me.  I'm the worst version of myself that I can be.

And yet I still find myself fixated on parts that I don't like and maybe that particular part might not be attractive, but that doesn't make me as a whole unattractive and I want to learn to accept and believe that.  But here's the thing.  Me being unattractive really shouldn't bother me.  I wish it didn't.  But it does.  And now the question I have to think about is how can I respond to this?  Where does this comes from?

Maybe my face isn't great.  Maybe my cheeks are too round or my smile isn't symmetrical or I'm just not that nice to look at in general.  But this doesn't make me any less lovable, intelligent, worthy, or capable and that's something I have to constantly remind myself.

I often wonder why I find myself caring so much.  And I always return to the same thing.  I think it comes down to an underlying fear that I'm not enough.  That nothing I can do is enough.  And that's really scary.  To be constantly judging myself and always always always coming up lacking.

There's a small part of me that likes this though.  Likes hating myself.  Cringes away from the times that I look in the mirror and don't mind what I see.  And so even though I read tips on improving body confidence and even though I know steps that I can do to get to a place where my mental health is better, I don't.  I don't want to.  And I don't know why.

This past summer, I heard a girl say something to her friend that really resonated with me. "You don't need to be perfect.  You just need to find someone who will take you as you are."

There's no winning in this internal game that I'm fighting against myself.  But at least now I'm trying.



This was a bit of a mess, but I'll let it go for now.  Merry Christmas!

original #3 | a response

This is a bit of writing inspired by a song that a friend of mine wrote.  Or rather, this is what came out of how I felt when I listened to it.

If you would like, here's the song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLvjo7cDJHw


I saw it as about two people that are together but alone.  One of them, the lower notes, is sitting.  Waiting.  Wanting something better in life, but not sure where to find it.  And the other one is searching for something better and hopeful and sometimes things get better, but ultimately they're still stuck in this season of sorrow and they end up finding comfort in each other because they know how each other feels.  And they're both still sad, but they're sad together and that lets them feel less sad.

They're different because they've both been through different things and some of those things were bad.  Some of them were good.  Some of them they don't talk about.  All of the things shaped them and they wouldn't go back and change anything even if sometimes all the time they want to.

Sometimes the sadness just swallows both of them though and that's okay.  Because they are still together and they know they will always still be together and yeah, it sucks.  It sucks that they have to deal with this because they've seen that life is so good and so happy and they've felt it before too and now they're just so far away and they don't know how they got so lost or so broken or where they took the wrong turn.

And maybe they were never on the right path. Maybe there wasn't a right path because maybe they never took a wrong turn because maybe there was nothing they could do to avoid this.

But it doesn't matter because they're still here and this path that they're on, it's their path and they can't change that.  It would be nice to.  This path is full of hurt and it's hard.  Hard to stay afloat and hard to not lose each other and hard not to lose themselves.  But this is what they have and they still have places to go and things to create and people to meet even if it doesn't feel like it- even if they don't want to.

And they still have each other and sometimes that's all that gets them through the day.  The night.  The week.  The month.  Sometimes that's all that gets them through the year.  But they got through it and in the end that's really all that matters.  They go through it after all and they know that they can get through another day.  Another week.  Another year.

And at the end of it all, maybe they won't be stronger.  Maybe they won't have learned something new.  Maybe they will still be lost and maybe they will still be broken.  And maybe- maybe that's fine.