shoveling snow | on recovery

so it has been snowing out and as a result, i've been shoveling a lot of snow. it takes quite a while, so i have a lot of time to think. i realized that, in a way, shoveling snow is a lot like recovery. at least in my experience.

you don't really want to do it at first, but you know you should. you know that the longer you wait, the more the snow is going to build up and it's just going to be even harder to shovel.

so you go out. it's hard and it's cold and your arms start to ache and you get tired and your fingers freeze. but you keep going. maybe you have to take breaks. maybe you have to rethink your shoveling strategy. (and yes, you have a shoveling strategy because you want to get through this as fast as you can.) and maybe you get discouraged. everyone shovels at different speeds. everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses. some people are just really really good at shoveling. some people have a lot of experience and know what to do. some people like to say really really loudly how good they are at shoveling and sometime's that's really hard to hear.

so be it. you continue to shovel.

there are different types of snow. some days it's a lot faster to shovel because the flakes are ligth and fluffy and it hasn't been that long since you shoveled last. some days the snow is wet and dense and even though it's a thin layer, it's so heavy and you get tired so quickly. there are days when areas you neglected previously turn into a layer of ice and you have to work so hard to clear away so little. be patient. maybe you just have to wait until the air warms a little.

and just when you think you're done, just when you've finally made it back to where you started, you turn back and look at all the progress you made. and. and you can only see white. it continued to snow as you shoveled and now there's nothing to show for all your hard work.

and you don't want to keep shoveling. somewhere in you, you know that this snow and this whole season will not last forever, but in this moment? when you're surrounded by white and the world seems cold and untouchable and so far away? in this moment you feel like you'll never be finished shoveling. you will never finish. you will never get better. you will never be better. and you're right, in a way. the snow will return. there will be more work to do. but you are also wrong. you will get stronger. you will learn what the easiest way for you to shovel is. when the right time to rest is.

and maybe you'll turn for help. you'll say "hey this shoveling is really tiring and  hard and i don't want to do this anymore and it just seems like there's so much snow. i'm always so cold and i wish it wasn't like this, you know?"

there will be people who hear you and say "well i don't really know. i've lived in this warm place all my life and it's not as great as you think it is. there are bad things that happen to me too, so you're not allowed to tell me how terrible shoveling is. yes, i don't have to shovel and i have never had to shovel and i never will have to shovel. but i don't think it's as bad as you're making it out to be. there have been days when it has been cold but i don't complain about that. you are weak." and you will have to ignore them. it will hurt. to hear them say that. but they are wrong.

there will also be people who say "wow that sucks. i've never experienced winter like you have and i've never had to shovel so i don't know what i can do to help, but i'm here for you. and if you want to talk i'll listen and try to help even if i'm not able to fully understand what you're going through." they might not be able to physically help you shovel, that's something you have to do on your own, but they are there to support you. keep them close.

there are even people who will say "hey. i've had to shovel a lot of snow before too. i know how tired you are. i am too. i know how to get through this season. i have done it before. i promise that it will end. it will be hard. but it will end. here are things that have helped me. they may not help you, but they are there." let them help you.

and so you shovel. for whatever reason. maybe one day you will turn around and see a clear path.

on sharing

somebody told me today "don't be afraid to share your ideas more, sometimes it seems like you have something important to share."

that sentence really made me feel something and it's probably among the nicest things somebody has ever said to me, but at the time i couldn't quite understand why i was feeling this way.

i think i've figured it out to a certain extent.

i've always struggled with speaking to other people. this is especially true in a group environment, which is the circumstance whenever i am interacting with this person. and yeah, that means that a lot of the time i stay quiet because i think people won't want to hear what i say.

and with this person it is even more so because i am working with them and i am always afraid that they'll think less of me if i say something stupid. i'm trying so hard to prove myself every time i am around this particular group of people and it scares me to think that they might see me as a fraud. sometimes it's better to not say anything rather than risk saying the wrong thing. and that's still true, but i have to work on being more confident in myself.

i don't know. i guess that, in general, i just don't feel like i have anything meaningful to contribute to the world. and maybe as an extension of that, it kind of makes me feel like a lot of the time i am not something meaningful or of value or useful.

and i really didn't think that anybody noticed me doing that. i didn't know that anybody looked at me for long enough to pick up anything like that.

i'm always still surprised when certain people know my name, even though i shouldn't be.

i've been in a bad place recently and this was just a really nice surprise. i've been trying to push myself to open up to other people but it's hard and scary.

so thank you to that person.

it meant a lot to me.